Authoritarian Power, the Power of Vulnerability, and Inner Work

Rondebosch United Church, 2 June 2024, Don Shay

Introduction

A few years ago my partner Suellen was feeling troubled when her brother Greg was telling her positive things about Donald Trump.  She sensed a growing divide and was concerned that their political differences might jeopardise their relationship, which she did not want to happen.  So she decided to try to just really listen to him, to be curious and to understand where he was coming from.  It was being vulnerable, taking a risk, having one of those courageous conversations we are too often afraid to have.  This was a really helpful conversation for both of them that brought them closer together. 

I love the way Harville Hendrix encourages this approach: ‘Do you want to be right or do you want to be in relationship? 

There is a vulnerable form of power from listening to people we disagree with; this form of vulnerability is just opening ourselves up to listen to other people without trying to control them or judge them – just being present and noticing both what they are saying and what is going on within us, being curious and trying to notice why we find it hard just to listen without needing to respond. 

One way to be vulnerable is to learn how to be a witness for someone, to just listen with unconditional positive regard, being non-judgmental, and not interrupting them.  Psychiatrist and author M. Scott Peck, in his book ‘The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace,’ encouraged us to stop trying to ‘heal, convert, fix and solve other people’ – to just listen deeply to them to understand them. 

Authoritarianism and Projection

There is a troubling rise of authoritarianism and autocratic leadership in the world and most of us reject these forms of leadership and popular movements.  Yet could criticizing forms of authoritarianism be a projection – of not being aware of or naming our own shadows around being autocratic and controlling?  Sometimes it probably is projection and sometimes it isn’t. 

Paradoxically, we all carry seeds of authoritarianism within us, by, for example, trying to control people or by trying to control our life circumstances, somehow suffering from a strange sense of amnesia that in reality the world is a very uncertain place we don’t control. 

Let’s look at Matthew chapter 7 verses 3-6. 

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother or sister's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother of sister, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother or sister’s eye.”

What was Jesus trying to say?  He had just spoken about not judging others.  He was clearly saying we have to learn to notice and address the planks – a fairly large piece of wood – in our own eyes, in our own lives, before so quickly judging others. 

The idea of judging others is complex.  Jesus made value judgments and confronted unjust behaviour.  Different strategies are required for dealing with unethical uses of power. 

For today, though I want to focus on the core message of the internal work we need to do – look at the plank in our own eye. 

Core message:

Our rejection of authoritarianism in the world has a big element of projection in it – we are projecting our unconscious and unresolved internal stuff onto others, blaming them, judging them.

Overcoming authoritarianism in the world starts by us becoming more aware of our inner forms of being authoritarian and controlling; then our work is to integrate our internal conflicts and imbalances so we don’t project them on others. 

One simple example of an autocratic approach is telling children not to be sad, to cheer up; or another example, don’t to be angry.  Most of us have learned that it seems to not be okay to feel or express anger, even if done carefully.  So we learn not to feel our feelings, not to experience our experiences, because we are told they are inappropriate or shouldn’t be expressed.  I suspect some of you are thinking ‘What’s wrong with telling a child not to be sad?’  You are not being respectful of them or their experience.  You are robbing them of a learning experience to sense, feel, notice what sadness is like and then explore ways to deal with sadness.  What’s wrong with bottling up anger or not having constructive outlets to express it?  Expressing anger can get people into trouble.  The deeper issue, as many of you know, is that not acknowledging or dealing with anger leads to physical and mental health issues over time.  And it also leads to not learning constructive strategies for working with anger – instead of reaching a breaking point and then exploding. 

One of the most powerful ways for us to work towards a more compassionate, peaceful and just society and world is to start with the one thing we can change – us – by deepening our emotional, spiritual and relational life.  We too often seem to spend a lot of energy thinking about and trying to change others.  Changing ourselves is difficult – think of what habits you have tried or struggled to change in the past 3 months? 

My challenge to myself and all of us today is to start noticing authoritarianism in ourselves as a potential starting point for a deeper spirituality, for a more humble walk of following God’s agenda of compassion, peace and justice.  A vulnerable, radical trust in God – rather than us trying to control things – is an important calling for all of us. 

1. How can our authoritarian and autocratic tendencies emerge?

There are many ways and I’ll only mention four – our caregivers, the political system we grew up in, psychological defense mechanisms, and the world of commerce.

First, parents who were far too controlling can have a child’s reaction be rejecting that control and doing things to make sure no one ever controls them again by becoming very strong and assertive … and paradoxically, controlling of others.  Or parents who were far too laissez-faire or when there were major challenges with addiction or absent parents, can have a child’s reaction be to become very responsible from an early age and believing if they want anything done in the world – don’t depend on adults, go make things happen yourself, take charge, take control. 

Second, for many people who grew up in apartheid South Africa, East Germany, Saudi Arabia or authoritarian, controlling, or strongly patriarchal nations, their trust in authority and support for that culture can be high – ‘we like the certainty and sense of order;’ or their trust in authority can be very low and their motivation to never allow anyone to control them again can be high. 

Third, I recently listened to an interview on the podcast This Jungian Life with psychiatrist, Jungian analyst and trauma specialist Donald Kalsched who said, in essence, the lack of dealing with our inner complexity and the many competing voices within us – gets projected outward – we all have a dark angel of violence and authoritarianism and a light angel of smothering, controlling love – like the caricature of the two tiny angels sitting on our shoulders whispering into our ears.  Kalsched says this is what is happening on the right and left of the political and cultural spectrum – we are projecting our inner unconscious conflicts outwards.  Some of our judgment and criticism of others is an unconscious psychological self-defense strategy, a form of projecting those unwanted or unconscious parts within us onto others.  Carl Jung said ‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’  This is partly why we need to do our inner psycho-spiritual work. 

Fourth, is a different kind of example from the business and consumer world.  If any of you have read Steve Jobs biography you know he thought he could bend reality with his mind, what some people called his Reality Distortion Field – impossible deadlines; impossible features – that people somehow managed to achieve when challenged or stretched.  In practice this meant Steve Jobs regularly swearing at people and just tearing them down.  But he was wealthy, had a mystique about him and look at the relative success of Apple as a business and with beautiful products some people like.  So it seems like the ends justify the means in this case – do they? should they?  The Dalai Lama said Be kind whenever possible.  It is always possible.  I think most of us would choose the Dalai Lama’s ethics over Steve Jobs. 

2. The Power of Vulnerability

Most of us don’t like being vulnerable.  In his book Consolations, poet and philosopher David Whyte says ‘Vulnerability is not a weakness, a passing indisposition, or something we can arrange to do without, vulnerability is not a choice, vulnerability is the underlying, ever present and abiding undercurrent of our natural state.’  Vulnerability is always present with us, usually as an undercurrent. 

Part of not wanting to be or feel vulnerable is our very normal desire to feel safe and secure, of wanting some control of our environment and relationships.  There are many ways fear shows up in our lives.  Neurobiologically the amygdla in our brains is constantly scanning for danger, thousands of times per second, without us even being aware of it.  This neurobiological network gives us an unconscious negativity and fear bias.  Many of us have a fear of uncertainty, a fear of powerful people, a fear of chaos, a fear of having to talk to other people, a fear of conflict or a difficult conversation or a fear of speaking in public.  There are many flavours of fear.  Anxiety and anger are present for all of us to some degree.

Fear, anxiety and/or anger get triggered and we often unconsciously regress to less mature ways of handling situations. Part of healthy development is learning what our edges of fear and anxiety are and how we can be more courageous in crossing those edges. 

As I said earlier, vulnerability is being a witness for someone, to just listen with unconditional positive regard, being non-judgmental, and not interrupting them.  We all want and need some other people in our lives who listen deeply to us, who understand us.  We need both – to listen well to other people, to witness, and for others to really listen to us, to be a witness. 

Vulnerability has many forms.  There are lots of people in this congregation who were vulnerable and courageous in confronting and bringing down apartheid.  Vulnerability is not just about softness and listening.  It has sharp and difficult edges as well. 

Jesus modelled vulnerability and emptiness for us, servant leadership in the form of being a human one for others.  He built relationships and he confronted authorities.  We all have role models who encourage us in that direction, for me Dietrich Bonhoeffer, my mother Mary Lou, my father-in-law Ron Butler, Suellen, people in this congregation I won’t name who inspire me.  The thought of being a human one for others challenges me every day. 

3. Let’s shift now to doing inner work. 

Our reading from Matthew is especially relevant here.  How are we going to notice and remove the plank in our own eye instead of commenting on the speck of sawdust in someone else’s eye?

How can we be less authoritarian and autocratic … and more aware, humble and open?  How can we bring some of our unconscious, shadow elements into consciousness so we can integrate them instead of project them outwards?  I’ll suggest 7 possible approaches to try, hoping one or two of them may resonate with you. 

Noticing, Reflecting, Accepting-Loving-Integrating, Conversing, Getting Feedback, Working with Dreams and Active Imagination, and DOT

The first is Noticing – what do you think about stopping a couple times a day for 5 minutes and reflecting on what happened in the past few hours – what criticisms you had towards leaders or others, and ways you may have been authoritarian or autocratic or controlling in your actions, speech or thoughts?  That’s it, just noticing.  Being aware of something is always the first step.  It gives us data or examples to work with if we decide we want to do something about what we are noticing. 

The second is Reflecting about what we are noticing – this could be reading our Bible and reflecting, doing some form of contemplative prayer, journaling or writing free flow Morning Pages, taking a walk and seeing what thoughts emerge, joining one of RUC’s discussion groups.  There are many ways to reflect around a topic or theme. 

The third is Accepting, Loving, and Integrating various parts of ourselves, especially our shadow parts, the dark angels and parts of ourselves we don’t like so much.  If we don’t do this inner work then we will continue to project our authoritarian, controlling bits onto others. 

Richard Rohr says it beautifully in his book ‘Everything Belongs,’ as does the Anglican Benedictine Mystic Esther de Waal in her book ‘Living with Contradiction.’ 

Those of you who have worked with The Artist’s Way will have come across the exercise Secret Selves which helps us notice and describe some of the complex chorus of voices that exist within us.  Here are some of my Secret Selves to give you an example:

Anxious Annie: feels general or specific anxiety as part of a way of being, as the fabric of being; wants to dominate

Ned Needs to Understand: my dominant way of coping with and making sense of the world

Reluctant Relaxer: secretly undermines my goal-directed or workaholic tendencies by insisting on watching basketball or the news

Angry Axe-Wielder: who knows the rules of the road and regularly wants to reach out his car window with an axe and smash an offending driver’s window or dent their car (please don’t look under my car seat!)

Over-responsible One: Assumes that Don is responsible for almost everything or anyone around him … or in the world

Avi the Avoider: avoids pain; avoids conflict; puts off dealing with difficult issues

Aspiring Artist: seeks beauty and expression; finds patterns; seeks truth, insight, inspiration, love, integrity

Positive Peter: sees the best in people and situations; always sees possibilities and redemptive paths

Hyperactive Achiever: proving to myself, others and my father that I can do great things (and sadly for too long, unconsciously trying to earn my father’s love in a bizarre form of father hunger)

There are many more Secret Selves!  We are complex beings.

Naming these parts of me allows me to accept them, joke with them, ask for their wisdom and integrate them into my chorus. 

The fourth is Conversing – Who do you need to have a courageous conversation with, one that you are avoiding?  Suellen saved a relationship with hers.  Who are you talking to about issues like this?  How about a Minister, Spiritual Director, a Therapist, a Life Coach, making vulnerable connections with good friends.  How about being part of the great discussions at Sundays at Belmont and various discussion groups within RUC?  We all need some people in our lives to be vulnerable with, to have courageous conversations with, to have a sounding board for our inner reflections. 

Sam Keen wrote in How to Love and Be Loved, “One of the most formative experiences of my life was the discovery that nothing opened my heart so surely as listening to stories that people told me about their lives.  I found that I was first interested, then empathic, and finally compassionate, as I learned more about the details of a person’s life.  I believe, with Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, that ‘if we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.’  Telling and listening, sharing our life stories, is the most powerful method we have for increasing the quantity of love in the world.”

These words of Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel give us an important clue to keeping dialogue alive.  “In the word question, there is a beautiful word – quest.  I love that word.  We are all partners in a quest.  You are my question, and I am yours … and then there is dialogue.  The moment we have answers, there is no dialogue.  Questions unite people, answers divide them.” 

The fifth is Getting Feedback.  We don’t know what we don’t know and our shadows and unconscious are mysterious things we need help to discover.  How about asking people closest to us if they notice possible shadows, unconscious things or unhelpful patterns they see us repeating that we may not be aware of.  My children have helped me see things about myself that have helped me be more respectful and sensitive towards them and others. 

The sixth is Working with Dreams or Active Imagination: Working with our dreams or with active imagination when we are in the fuzzy waking up stage can give us insights into healing gifts our unconscious wants to share with us.  We often need help making sense of key images and messages in our dreams and there are skilled people who can help us.  I’m working with a new approach to integrating my inner world the past few months called SoulCollage® cards, which help us to use active imagination in conversation with images.  Here is my anima and animus integration card – feminine and masculine energies – so feeling my feelings in my heart and body, including the pain of a broken heart and deep love and joy, and then taking that emotional energy out into the world, to give it wings and to act on it. 

And seventh is DOT – Do One Thing, and the simpler the better.  What is one idea from this sermon that resonated with you that you could act on today or this week?  We have to get out of our heads and our ideas and try things if we want to change habits and ways of thinking.  Richard Rohr says “We do not think our way into new ways of living. We live ourselves into new ways of thinking.”  I encourage people I coach to ‘do one pushup’ by which I mean ‘if you want to work out more – or start any new habit – just start with the smallest step which you know you can do,’ and being successful with small things will lead to success with bigger things. 

In Conclusion

Those of you actively working for just social structures – please don’t stop doing what you are doing, it is important work.  My message is not intended to undermine what you do in any way. 

Identify your planks and work on them if you want to bring more peace and justice into the world.

Be a respectful, listening ‘witness’ for other people, and doors will open up for you to have other people witness your stories and journey. 

Jesus showed us how to vulnerably and courageously be for others.  May we find ways to emulate him. 

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Resources

I have a transcript of the James Hollis interview for those who would prefer to skim or read a document rather than listen to a 2 hour and 40 minute interview with several advertisements interspersed.  Send me an email request (donshay@mweb.co.za) and I will forward the interview transcript to you.

David Whyte Conversational Leadership interview which includes discussions on vulnerability.  https://www.cultureamp.com/resources/homepage-stream/foundations-of-conversational-leadership

David Whyte’s book ‘Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words’

Richard Rohr’s book ‘Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer’

Esther de Waal’s book ‘Living with Contradiction: An Introduction to Benedictine Spirituality’

M. Scott Peck’s book ‘The Different Drum: Community Making and Peace’